Dreams of Normalcy, Pearls of Wisdom

So maybe my return to normal is going to take a little while. This was the first morning I was able to sleep in a bit and not have to go to radiation before work. Naturally that meant I tossed and turned all night and was pretty much wide awake at 6:30 in the morning. Still, I managed to have two cups of coffee while getting lost and wasting a lot of time on the internet (lots of interesting and crazy blogs out there, don't you think?).

I finally got moving, got showered, did my hair (I kid, I kid), and used the pretty new make-up that I bought yesterday on my little "spoil me" shopping spree. It looked great--and the eyelash primer and mascara made my lashes long enough to actually be seen. Nice. Until about 2 minutes later. When my eyes started burning. And squirting water. And burning. Did I mention burning? I had to wash my face and splash water into my eyes. Then after I dried my face, my eyes kept jetting water (or acid, I'm still not sure) so I dabbed at my eyes with a tissue. Turns out one of my freshly manicured finger nails snagged and broke somewhere along the line. You know that delicate thin skin under your eyes? Yeah, turns out it's easily snagged by a broken fingernail. And also very sensitive! I'm sure I looked worse today than I have probably throughout radiation. Particularly since my right eye continue to drain and smear the rest of my re-applied make-up (not the new stuff). Nice. I'm no longer Cancer Dork. I'm just Dork. (Note to Stila make-up: turns out "genuine crushed pearls" in eye shadow, while very pretty, is a really, really bad idea.)

On a brighter note though, Chris had a dream last night. He started to tell me about the dream but once he got to the part where I was in the dream, I had a dire need to know something extremely important (or so it seemed). In the dream, did I have blonde hair or was I bald? Or lesbian chic? The whole question fascinated me (Chris was less fascinated). I don't remember any of my own dreams through this so I don't yet know what I look like in dreams.

Apparently, in Chris's dreams, I still have long blonde hair. I think that's good. He doesn't see me any differently now, not even sub-consciously. That's got to be good right? I'm not Cancer Girl in his dreams! I'm not even Radiation girl! I wonder if I'm still a dork?

The Countdown Begins

Today was a good day. I'm sure that's because it was mostly a non-cancer patient day.

Many of you emailed or posted comments about my blog post last night and my really, really bad day yesterday. I'm glad it made you all laugh. It made me laugh too. Hysterically. No, really hysterically. When I was writing it the absurdity of the whole day, this whole disease just sort of hit me and I laughed so hard I was in tears. You know that kind of laugh where your face is contorting and you can't stop it or pull it back into shape? Yeah, that kind. Right. Hysterical laughter. But it was pretty cathartic. I think I slept better last night than I've slept in the last two months. I woke up feeling pretty good and with more energy than I've had in awhile (Okay, so, dad, the mega-reds mega-greens and mega-vitamins may indeed be working; but I think the release through laughter helped too.) I went to work, wrapped in the beautiful periwinkle soft shawl/wrap that Chris's mom and dad gave me Sunday night (it's a very happy color) and I got a lot done. I think I'm in good shape for what's to come. I even got a couple phone calls from clients just checking in to see how I was doing (it's nice when a client cares about their lawyer!), and a couple of cards in the mail--and one with a California Pizza Kitchen gift card!! (Thanks Susan and Elisa!!).

I also got a Facebook message from a friend of a friend (who is now my friend too) that has been going through this whole breast cancer thing at just about the exact same timeline as me (her surgery was the day after mine and she was actually the first person I emailed post-surgery to say "eh, not so bad."). She read yesterday's post and emailed me with some great websites for wigs--and hey they look pretty good and the prices were low enough you just may see me as a redhead, a brunette and then a blond. Wigs for all my moods. Thanks Ursula!

Much to my surprise, I also got a call from Wilshire Oncology that Blue Cross has indeed approved my chemotherapy. So, I'm all set for chemo this Thursday at 10a.m. Tomorrow I go pick up my prescriptions and my wig (I'm pretty sure I'm going to have to name "her"--expect a poll on that too) and tomorrow night I start the anti-nausea medication. (I have a suspicion I won't be blogging tomorrow night...so you'll all have a chance to get caught up on your reading!) Chris will be doing the preparatory grocery shopping based on what we've surmised--because lord knows we had to figure it out ourselves. Between the materials UCLA had given us, the book the good and great Dr. Karam gave me, and our many prior conversations with doctors, it does seem that it comes down to this: there isn't really a chemo diet/nutrition plan. It's just about controlling the side effects. So really, until we know how I react, we won't know what diet restrictions I have or what foods/ liquids might help. I can drink coffee. I can have a glass of wine now and then. I have to avoid some obvious problem foods like sushi, mushrooms, rasberries (hard to wash), etc. Bascially, that's to avoid getting an infection of any kind since my immune system will be shot. Common sense will suffice.

People keep asking me if I'm afraid. I really don't feel afraid. A little anxious, but mostly, I'd just like to get to Friday night. There's a lot riding on Friday--the day after the treatment is usually the "worst" day and will give me an idea what I'm in for. I'd like to be at the point where I know that. I feel prepared and that's really all I can do.

Thanks again for all your thoughts and support. I'm bringing my laptop to chemo and will blog from there if I can. I'm wondering if they'll let me take pictures. If they do, you can count on it!

Today's picture is the last of the Boobie Bash photos. VALERIE ZUCKER worked so hard to get the photos to me (not to mention working so hard at the party itself), she deserved a featured photo. Plus, I want a happy photo. A Cosmo-induced pink happy photo. So I can stay in my happy place these next 48 hours.

D Day

I've had a little time to do some reading and of course I'm still obsessing with reading about BREAST CANCER. And I've received a few emails and calls from women who've "been there done that." So I realized, I'm a little unclear on what my "D Day" is. That is, on what day was I actually diagnosed. Help me out here... the choices are as follows:

1) December 18, 2008. First doctor's appointment where I say "I feel a lump" and the physician's assistant says "I don't like this at all."

2) December 23, 2008 when my ultrasound and mammogram reports are in and the doctor calls and says "highly suspicious of malignancy."

3) January 8, 2009 Dr. Karam looks at my July 23, 2008 mammogram and my December 19, 2008 mammogram and says "walks like a duck, quacks like a duck" and schedules my biopsy for the next morning.

4) January 9, 2009 when same doctor says, right before the biopsy, "95% chance this is cancer", or,

5) January 13, 2009 when the biopsy results are officially back and Dr. Karam calls to say "It's what we thought it was." (Note how rarely the word "cancer" is actually used; and yes, it's a duck. Actually, it's duct cancer--maybe he has more of an accent than I thought!!!).

I feel like the D day is January 13, 2009 (hey, I had a 5% chance before then!!). Which works out great for the February 13th birthday bash. But from what I'm reading (books and emails)...it may actually be the December 23, 2008 date (which is a bad day in my family for so, so many reasons).

What do you think? Leave a comment below or vote to the right! (This lets me know I'm not talking to myself. Okay, I'm not talking to just myself.)

Oh, and I did eventually get to sleep last night. But tonight...Tylenol PM is my BFF.