10 to 15 Years

Two different people, who didn't know I'm in chemotherapy and therefore, actually bald, have told me I look "10 to 15 years younger" in this particular look. So I figured it was time to show you my "day to day" look--since I've really only posted the fun looks (all hail Britney, bitch). And yes, I had bangs cut into the wig (it's the same one you voted on, only now with bangs). I couldn't tolerate the fishing line like hairs in my face all day. The handy thing about wigs is I can make the bangs as long or as short as I want (within reason) by moving the wig forward or back on my head. I usually start out with the whole sultry, wispy bangs down in my eyes look and by the end of the day (when this photo was taken) I've pushed it back on my head to get it out of my eyes. I don't really think I look younger. In fact at times I think it's sort of a "mom" look. Not necessarily my mom, although she did have red hair for most of my childhood and this is probably the most I've ever looked like her. Just a more conservative "mom in the burbs" look. And speaking of the burbs...the picture was taken on the balcony off our bedroom. A nice burb to live in.

I still felt fine today. I even worked until after 6pm. The feet were a little better. Perhaps because I wore sensible flat shoes (still cute; adorable Coach ballet flats) and then followed Doctor Dad's orders and soaked my feet in cold water and then elevated them for a bit when I got home. Seems to have helped. That and I'm distracted from my own health issues by the fact that Seamus clearly isn't feeling well. He was waiting for me at the gate when I got home...all sad and moving slowly (which almost never happens with a beagle). He took a nap with me but was slow to get off the bed and then yelped when he jumped up on the couch with me later. I think he injured something (back possibly) so we're letting him rest and see what it looks like in the morning. I've tried to feel around and he let me without any more yelping or wincing, so I can't really figure out what's hurting him. He's awfully cuddly/needy though. Currently, he is sleeping soundly in his own bed, snoring up a marching band's worth of noise and I'm hoping that's a good thing. Poor Chris. Too many patients in the house. (Oooh, good place to remind you to check out the new Forgotten Grapes posting on Thursday!!)

Thursday marks the one week countdown to the last chemo!! While I'll be happy to be through with that and moving on, I'm mostly looking forward to getting 3 weeks past that--I will consider that the true end of chemo and all of its crazy side effects. Hence the planned trip to San Diego for a quick getaway celebration. The plans for Memorial Day weekend aren't really working out, so it may be the weekend before. Hard to say right now. But we're going!! Break #1 will be in May one way or another. I need something happy and distracting between chemo and radiation. Especially now that I've learned more about radiation. (Let's just say there should be some exciting blog posts during radiation...but probably not too many photos).

And on a final note, the Biotene Gum Fairy was indeed STACEY ALDSTADT. She's leaving on vacation and probably worried about me still driving all over town looking for gum. So she handled it. Gum online. Who knew?

Two Feet Short of Seven

I'm still going to say I made it to 7 days in a row of feeling good. Because this falls more in the "weird things that happen on chemo" category than it does "bad day." But I think I'm experiencing a little of the neuropathy they keep mentioning and asking about. You know the feeling when something, say your mouth at the dentist, gets numbed and then just as the numbness is wearing off? How you can feel things but not feel things? Yeah, that's my feet. Particularly my left foot. And both feet are swollen sausages, with little red dots all over them. And my toes keep getting little cramps. The swollen and tingly/numb feeling started yesterday...but I'm wondering now if that didn't contribute to my fantastic fall UP the stairs on Sunday (I just missed the stair--part of my foot was on it but part wasn't and down I went). The red bumps and toe cramps just started tonight. Cancer dork, indeed.

And the hives are back a bit. Sadly, it's probably my fault. My office went to Ciao Bella for Happy Hour as a "Administrative Assistant's Appreciation" get together (a day early; I have a busy staff with busy schedules of their own). I did not try yet another glass of wine in yet another futile science experiment. I had Rum & Diet Coke. Clearly, Diet Coke exarcebates the hives. It might also be this 100+ degree weather we are having. I know the hot shower makes the red bumps show up in all their glory, so perhaps the heat does too. I'm going with that.

I once again also learned that two client meetings at work is about my energy limit. Today I had two meetings and a conference call and that was it for me. Nap time. Or, er, happy hour time. I still consider today a good day though. Many of you assured me in blog comments and emails that not crying was okay and some of you even know others who didn't cry when they were diagnosed and dealing with cancer either. Phew. Thank goodness, because I had no idea how I was going to start faking drama and "real" emotion. Luckily, Lori offered up that she'd been in a car accident and I could cry for her. And I will. I just need to know which Lori it was! I sent flowers, wine, chocolates and a gorgeous card...if you didn't get it, I obviously had the wrong Lori ;-) (Lori, Kathy, Nancy and Monica-- if you have no photo next to your name when you leave comments--I need a last initial!!).

I also received a fun surprise in the mail. Another mystery! Someone way smarter than me found Biotene gum online and sent me a big box!! (I think it has 8 packages of gum in it!!). There was no card or name though. So I'm thinking Zee Beard strikes again? Or, it could be Stacey Aldstadt since she's twice driven me around in search of the gum (and other products). Or it could be Holly Gunnette since she in essence left a comment that said "I have Biotene gum and you don't! neener neener neener!" And then told me she couldn't remember where she bought it but it was somewhere local. Maybe she felt bad after teasing me like that. The package did ship post tax-season, she would have had time then. Hmmmm..... The mystery deepens. Whomever it was--thank you very much! I've already tested it out and it will work nicely.

Tomorrow is day 14 after chemo #3...so that will be the end of the "danger zone." I think this was the easiest of the three. Days 15 to 21 should be smooth sailing. Okay, smooth-ish. Let's not jinx this. I still have to try to get shoes on my sausage feet tomorrow morning.

Top Tips from a Chemo Loser

Look! I even found a pink Loser sign. Maybe there is hope for me yet.

So for now, on with the highly anticipated, much awaited, crowd-pleasing, no one really gives a darn "Top Tips from a Breast Cancer Loser to A newly Diagnosed and Probably so Much Better Person!!!" Let me be clear--this is not advice. I'm not one to give advice--note the reference to "loser." I get it. I'm not doing this in the spectacular fashion that so many inspirational, epiphany-seeking women do. Hey, I'm just trying to get through this with the least changes possible. I'm barely figuring this out for myself. But there were some really practical things that are working for me and if it helps someone, hey, why not? If any of this sounds crazy to you....you probably have a point. But you've probably also not been through chemo. Just a guess.

In no particular order:

1) Kiehl's Centella Skin Repair Salve (my complexion still looks and feels good--even after the hives!). Chemo takes it's toll on everything--skin included. I'm not one for skin care (I'm lazy; you've figured that out right?), but it was necessary and this product has felt fantastic. For your body, I'd also recommend Arbonne's Sea Source Detox wash--particularly helpful with the hives. And moisturize. It's not like you'll have a choice. Besides, now that you don't have to shave anything, you've got all that extra time.

2) Biotene toothpaste and mouthwash. So your mouth really gets affected. Dry, sore, and well...you can't floss and you have to use a soft tooth brush, so any extra help with the teeth is appreciated. Biotene was recommended by my dental hygienist when I told her I was about to start chemo. Bless her. There are times I want to drink the bottle of Biotene, it's so soothing. It helps for a short while with the "metal mouth" also. I've heard there is a Bitotene gum, which I'd darn near kill for, but I haven't been able to find it locally.

3) Books I'd read, in the order I'd read them:
A. "Five Lessons I didn't Learn from breast Cancer (and One Big One I Did)" by Shelley Lewis. I wish I'd read this first because it gives a nice overview of what a breast cancer patient is about to go through and gives really helpful tips. She doesn't pull any punches (hey, surprise, this isn't a good experience) but she delivers the information in a humorous and informative way--so early on, when you are overwhelmed with information, you can actually process what she's saying. It's got some medical info, but that's not the main point. See C below.

B. "Cancer Vixen" by Marisa Acocella MArchetto. This may not be for everyone--it's a graphic novel (read: it's a cartoon book). But, she also really lays out her story--good, bad and ugly--and again, it's imminently readable. I continue to refer to it just to check "is this normal?" And you gotta love her pluck. Or moxie. Or aplomb. But mostly, her shoes.

C. "Breast Cancer: Real Questions, Real Answers" by David Chan, MD. Okay, for the medical stuff, again delivered in a way that's easy to process and understand, this is it. Dr. Karam gave me this book--the author is his colleague. So of course, it's a good book. But, I did read others and again, this is the one I find myself going back to. I understand he'll have an update coming out perhaps soon as well.

4) Baking soda and water. Yeah, really. Quickest cure for the inevitable indigestion gift from chemo. Take that, then whatever you normally take for indigestion. That way you'll have quick relief, followed by the more long-lasting relief. Not kidding. And really, after you spend all that money on all those prescriptions, you'll be glad I told you this. (And thanks again, dad.)

5) You're going to have to do this your way. You'll get a ton of advice. Some good. Some crazy. Some you'll want. Some....well, you'll want to slap somebody. In the end, you'll have to just do what works for you and shut out what everyone else is saying. You'll find "your people" and go with that. Chemo and the whole overwhelming "I have freakin' cancer!!!" is enough to deal with. You don't need to also be trying to live up to other people's expectations. No one has the same experience. Cancers are different, treatments are different, reactions are different...hey, people are different!! (Who knew???) So no matter what people tell you--there is no "right" way to do this. (I'm sure there is a wrong way. And I'm probably on my way to finding it!).

6) Take naps. I'm a big fan of naps even when I'm well. But with chemo--it's a necessity. I find if I can get a nap in the middle of the day, I can keep going for pretty much a full work day most days (but let me be clear--this is nothing like the hours I normally keep; that just isn't happening and I have to just let that be....temporarily!). And I usually take a nap when I get home too. You probably won't be able to help yourself, so you may as well plan for it. I got a little fold out mattress/ futon thingy and I keep it and a blanket and a pillow in my office. Somewhere around 2 ish, when need be, I close my door, fold it all out and zonk out. It's fabulous. I don't know if I'll be able to give it up. How long can I make this last?? (Just the nap part. Will "Hey, I had chemo two years ago" still work as an excuse?)

7) Let Folks help. Okay, most days I can certainly take care of myself. Slowly, but surely. I can get my meals, I can work, I can run errands. But I get tired. So when I do those things, I can't do too much else. I'm not one to ask for help, so basically I sort of feel like if I can do it why ask someone else. But I'm learning (slowly, slowly; in true loser fashion) that my friends and family want to help and it is indeed a help to have someone drop by with dinner, drive me around on my errands, take me to lunch, and such simple but important things. Then, my energy is preserved and I can enjoy...say, blogging! I think this is key to keeping my spirits up (oh god, there's that "positive attitude" approach creeping in. Darn it!!) Chris is of course fantastic about pitching in and he takes care of a lot. Sometimes I try to give him a break by asking friends (or, more realistically, accepting their offers) to drive me to an appointment or an errand or something. And I'm getting better at "yes, please do stop by with dinner"--but first that was because I realized that would give Chris a well-deserved break. I hope you have a Chris. Can that be item 8? But I'm not loaning him out. I'm a loser and I'm selfish.

8) Dr. Karam as your surgeon. Okay, that might not work if you are outside California, but honestly, consider flying in to UCLA.


That's all I've got for now. I may have more to share. I'm also thinking I bet I could do a nifty little list of "ways friends and family can help a chemo gal" (and um, things that aren't helpful). Or maybe it's more "how to help." But, is that too selfish? Probably. But I'm making the list for myself anyway. So if I'm ever on the"'helper" instead of "help-ee" side, I know what to do. It's an art. But you guys already know that.