So Much For That

It's such a good book, it works for the title of this blog post. So, yes, I finished So Much for That by Lionel Shriver--and I loved it. And I don't think you have to have had cancer or had someone close to you have cancer (although these days, doesn't that seem like everybody?) to love the book. If you like John Irving, you'll like this book (and if you don't...please don't ever tell me that or I simply cannot be your friend. Even virtually.) I'm not a book reviewer, so I'll cheat a little.

Here's the opening line of the book: "What do you pack for the rest of your life?" And really, that's what the book is about--what's really important and how we find that out for ourselves. But here's what the dust jacket copy says:

"Shep Knacker has long saved for "The Afterlife": an idyllic retreat to the Third World where hi nest egg can last forever. Traffic jams on the Brooklyn-Queens Expressway will be replaced with "talking, thinking, seeing, and being"--and enough sleep. When he sells his home repair business for a cool million dollars, his dream finally seems wihtin reach. Yet Glynis, his wife of twenty-six years, has concocted endless excuses why it's never the right time to go. Weary of working as a peon for the jerk who bought his company, Shep announces he's leaving for a Tanzanian island, with or without her.

Just returned from a doctor's appointment, Glynis has some news of her own: Shep can't go anywehre because she desperately needs his health insurance."

Right. she's been diagnosed with cancer. And there are three other medical subplots (ranging from a whip-smart child born with a genetic defect to a hilariously and then tragically botched plastic surgery) that "explores the human costs of American health care." It's just a brilliantly plotted and brilliantly written book. I saw way too much of myself in Shep Knacker at times, and then, yes, of course could relate to his wife (that whole cancer thing). This book made me wish I'd had more of an epiphany post-cancer.

And then there is Jane Green's "Promises to Keep." I probably liked this book more before I read So Much for That. Which is tragically unfair. Promises is, as you could guess from it's title, chick-lit. Unabashedly chick-lit. Nothing wrong with chick-lit, I'm just not much of a fan. Because I'm the kind of reader who can't (usually) get past an opening line like:

"Steffi elbows her hair out of her eyes before..." Yeah. That's where I stopped so I could figure out how one's elbow could touch one's hair. Steffi could have been double-jointed in some unusual way, but we don't know that yet (it's the opening line) so it's just odd phrasing. Yes, eventually I figured out that Steffi used her arm, with the middle section--the crook--on the other side of her elbow rubbing her forehead, to move her hair out of her way, but by then I'd also figured out I was not in the hands of a skilled writer. Skilled storyteller, perhaps, but writer, no. (In fairness to Ms. Green--I feel the same way about John Grisham and I'm sure they can both laugh their ways to the bank over my silly little opinion).

And then my other issue with Promises was how I came to read it. The publicist emailed me offering an advance reading copy. I was thrilled (I love to read; free books? oh yeah!). I'm assuming, because a character dies from breast cancer and how her family copes is the story, the publicist was reaching out to breast cancer bloggers.  But the character dies. Dies. And she dies from a recurrence of the cancer in her brain, first noticed because she gets blinding headaches and then blacks out while driving. So what do you think I'm going to be thinking about when I get a headache now? Well, probably just for awhile, because basically I'm too lazy to panic, but still...I don't think I was ready to read a book like this. Also, the focus is really on how the family copes and, in the end, how every goes on with their pretty, glamorous, chick-litty lives after Callie dies. My friends and family don't have pretty, glamorous, chick-litty lives right now, so I'm pretty sure they didn't go back to them after my cancer scare was over (and it is over). Just not a lot for me to relate to in the book. It even includes recipes--ostensibly because Callie's sister, Steffi--the double-jointed one, is a chef. But that just emphasized the lack of skillfulness in the writing (and editing). One of the recipes says "Melt the chocolate over a bain-marie (or my lazy way of VERY, VERY slowly melting in a microwave." I can only assume the "my" in that sentence is actually the author herself as it makes no sense coming from Steffi--and we don't actually have any context for the recipe. Tsk, tsk, tsk. Author intrusion is generally an amateur mistake.

Having said all that, I did finish the book. Much like I finish an entire bag of potato chips--because it was there and there was something a little compelling about it.  Of the two however, So Much for That is far and above my favorite. It's one I'll be forcing on people for years to come, I imagine.

Alrighty then, it's on to Europe!! We're in countdown mode. I'm ready to start packing! And no doubt the next post will be from France! If you want to follow along with lots of photos, find the group Words & Wine on Facebook. We'll be chronicling our journey there.

Au Revoir!

Slow Learner

Remember how I wasn't sure if I had had a "breast cancer survivor's epiphany" or not after I finished surgery, chemo and radiation? And then remember how I thought maybe I had because I learned a little about prioritizing my time (click here if you need a refresher)? When I went through the breast cancer odyssey I pretty much reduced my life to work and taking care of my health. And wow, I had all this time on my hands and the whole big world, my little town, my little world and pretty much everything else went on just fine without me. Huh. Post-treatment I ramped back up (dork!) and then suddenly hit a wall with way, way too much stuff going on and that's when I had the little epiphany about time management and prioritizing what was important to me. I scheduled things so I had time to exercise, read, write, and still work quite a bit (I am still building a business). Cue the maniacal laughter.

Old habits die hard. And it seems I did it again.

Today, Chris and Brein Clements (genius chef and proprietor of Restaurant Omakase) are down in San Diego at a Family Winemakers tasting event. I was supposed to go but couldn't. Because I, (once I finish blogging and am sufficiently amped on coffee) will be heading into my office to try to get a jump start on the week. Because my schedule has and will in the immediate future look like this:

Wednesday the 10th: film public service announcement for the Riverside Public Library Foundation (I'm on the board)

 Friday the 12th : in Burbank all day at a conference for work (where I also volunteered to serve on a committee).

Saturday the 13th: 1st birthday party for my assistant's son, followed by several hours in the office

Monday: Shop to Stop Breast Cancer event; I'm the honorary chair and am supposed to say something to the room of 200 women and I bet they expect something inspirational or at least moderately coherent. (Must figure this out today).

Tuesday evening : Seminar for my clients about the 2010 estate tax laws and other fascinating bits. Again, I think they'll expect me to be coherent (must figure this out today).

Wednesday evening: meeting with city manager (on a client's behalf). Probably good if I'm coherent.

Thurs a.m.: breakfast seminar for clients (see Tuesday evening and general need for coherency)

Saturday: Walk With the Animals (fundraiser for the Riverside Humane Society)--I am the master of ceremonies and will need to be there for the day.

Sunday: memoir writing class at the Mission Inn (okay, this one actually should be on the list!!).

Tuesday the 23rd: Professionals and Community Leaders luncheon for the benefit of Alternatives to Domestic Violence (I'm the chairperson of the lunch and a member of the board of directors)

Have I lost my freakin' mind??  Yes, yes I have. When you consider that I have to prepare speeches (or at least something) for most of those events, get sponsors, sell tickets, and generally know what the hell is going on, it's just a stupid, stupid schedule. It's like I can't look at the calendar as a whole and say "no, I don't actually have time for that." Instead I look at the 2 hour time slot of an event and say "Well, yes, I'm free those two hours and therefore I can commit to 20 or 30 hours of work before that and there is no reason for me to see what the rest of that day, week, month looks like! Yes, of course I'll help! What? Be in charge? Why yes, yes I can!"

The good news is after fundraising for no less than 3 major events in one month, I have no friends left. They are all avoiding my calls and emails and have blocked me on Facebook. This is good news, because it makes me completely useless as a fundraiser in the future. This, combined with the fact that my board terms are all up (and shall not be renewed!!!) in June (2 of them) and December (the other 2) should give me my life back.  This is the plan (again).

Slow, slow, slow learner.

I really should take a page out of Seamus's book and just chill.

P.S. Don't get me wrong, I love these agencies and the work they do. (That's part of the problem!). I'm not loving my inability to find balance.

Something's Gotta Give

I've been away from the blog for a little bit. Did you notice? Eight days with no blogging. There's a good reason for that. I think my late-blooming epiphany hit. And it hit kinda hard. But being thick-headed as I am, I suppose it had to hit me hard or I may not have noticed. So I've spent this last week on a sort of auto-pilot but also with spikes of what can only be described as rage. My apologies to anyone who may have gotten in the way of one of them (I don't mean Chris although that is him in the photo, exhausted on our friends boat during a writers group meeting. He's one of the only people on the planet who rarely annoys me and and even more rarely pisses me off. So I haven't been raging at him directly-- he has however had to listen to my raging about other people, things and abstractions. Thank god he has a fantastic sense of humor. And is also brave. Very, very brave. As in 'he's still coming home every night' brave.)

Basically, I have exhausted myself. And a tired, burned-out Teresa is a wicked, impatient, intolerant Teresa (oh my god I hate stupid people. No, really. Wait, I hate arrogance more. No, stupidity. No, it's definitely arrogant stupid people...that's the worst.). After launching into back to back tirades over certain aspects in my "volunteer" life, I realized that I was indeed burned out, exhausted and, um...not happy. And here was the kicker--I missed being in chemo!!! Okay, not the chemo itself, but the way I was able to run my life then. I, for once, gave myself permission to say "NO." "No, I can't do that right now--I have cancer!" and "NO, I will not be attending that event. I have cancer!" and "No, I can't solve that problem for you right now, I have cancer!" Oh, and just "NO. I have cancer." It's the perfect excuse. Nobody says, "Right, I know. You have cancer but I still need you to give me advice on x, solve y, and attend z for me." Nobody does that. So it was a huge relief. I decided right after I was diagnosed that I would have to just reduce my life down to "Fighting cancer and keeping my law practice going." This seemed like it would keep me busy enough. And everyone understood when I took a leave of absence from the 3 non-profit boards I serve on and the one civic organization, no one expected me to attend fundraisers; I didn't have a single "obligatory" event (family or otherwise), and basically, I had peace and quiet. Me, Chris, Seamus and, well, cancer. And I didn't feel guilty about it in the least. Please, it's cancer! I think when I say "it wasn't as bad as you would think" when I talk about the cancer experience--that's in part what I mean. My life was simplified and uncomplicated. Work. Heal. Repeat.

My first clue to my eventual epiphany should have been when I was looking forward to the chemo weekends. Again, not the chemo itself, but I can distinctly recall  thinking on the Wednesday before chemo would start, "Fantastic! 4 days off where I can just stay in bed if I want to." Now, it never worked out that way--Thursday chemo days took all day and on 3 out of 4 rounds I actually went into work on Sunday, but I did like the idea of it. My second clue should have been when I was at my therapy appointment and said "Luckily, cancer is a great excuse so I'm not going" when I was only just starting to feel tinges of guilt for not doing something I probably may have possibly had the energy for but didn't want to do. My therapist (yes, of course I have a therapist...have you not been reading carefully??) said "Why do you need an excuse?" I believe I ran screaming from the room at this point (note to self: make another appointment).

So this week I looked at what I'd done to myself. I finished cancer treatment (okay, so let's be clear, I no longer have cancer) on July 14th. A little more than two months ago. And then I promptly, immediately, swiftly and with no questions asked, resumed my life. Full speed ahead. Cancer's not getting me down, no sirree. I even stopped wearing wigs, hats, scarves, etc. on July 19th. And between then and now here's what my schedule has included:

4 Non-profit board meetings
1 all day strategic planning retreat
4 doctors appointments
1 veterinarian oncology appointment (which takes a 1/2 day because of where the specialist's office is)
6 fundraisers attended
7 non-profit committee meetings
3 wine tasting events (for Chris's growing biz)
1 wedding
4 parties
1 giant Survivor party
4 Writer's group meetings
2 days of jury duty
1 family visit to Missouri
1 trip to Chicago for a 3 day conference
4 speaking engagements/ seminars
1 new associate hired and training commenced
2 books read
30 blog posts (counting this one)
39 pages of a really shitty first draft memoir written
1 Breast Cancer Resource center advisory committee started and many events planned.
60+ days of practicing law full time.

And that was in the summer. You know, the lazy, hazy, crazy days of summer? Right. Yeah. I'm a moron. And the thing is, I'm pretty sure I didn't do any of those things well.

When I throttled back  my life to "fighting cancer and continuing my law practice" I managed to read 12 books, write 150 blog posts, still visit with friends, spend lots of time with Chris, and actually sleep. Oh, and I was never in a rage at being pulled in too many directions at once (okay, sure, there was the rage over the whole chemo-stein thing, but that passed...eventually).

So my epiphany? It's a kind of simple, stupid one...I really need to prioritize my life better. Just because I can solve a problem, doesn't mean it's mine to solve. Just because I have a blank spot on my calendar when someone asks me to do something doesn't mean I have to say yes. Just because I once upon a time said yes I'd do something doesn't mean I have to do it for the rest of my life. Just because life has been unfair to someone doesn't mean I have to step in and try to make it more fair (um, hello?).  I'm allowed time for me and hey, I might actually like that! I could read more! I could write more! I could sleep more! I could spend more time with Chris (doing all of the aforementioned)! And guess what? The world will continue to go on! Just like it did when I had cancer (and hey, that kind of hurt my feelings at first but now...wow, now I actually know  the world--and the non-profits--will continue on just fine without me! This is awesome. Thanks world, for letting me know that! How very stupid of me to think otherwise. Stupid and arrogant. And we all know how I feel about that!).

That's my epiphany. It's not the greatest one, but it's all mine. It still remains to be seen what I'll do with it. Just right after I stop thinking "hey, my epiphany is going to turn me into a quitter." 

The Definition of Insanity

I know, I know...doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. That's the definition of insanity. I get it. But here's the thing...I wasn't actually expecting different results. I got no further than "Hey, this martini tastes good" (Wednesday night) and "Hey, this wine tastes good and it's an Italian restaurant, how can I not have wine???" (Thursday night). So I do not expect you to have sympathy or be surprised when I tell you of the hives breakout. There are hives. They've broken out in the usual spaces--chest, face, legs, stomach. It's as pretty as it's been the last several times it's happened. But hey, this should be the last time. Let them have their fun.

I'd be more concerned about the hives, if I didn't have to concentrate so hard on walking on the only 2 square inches of my feet that aren't painful. My right foot appears to have ballooned to the size of your average neighborhood cat, while my left is more in the range of a German Shepherd. I can barely put shoes on these monsters. This happened last time and I recall it lasted several days. I'm hoping to return to normal by Monday.

This weekend should be exciting as well. Saturday starts the chemo "danger zone" for the very last time. The next four days are when my white blood cell counts are lowest and I'm most susceptible to all the bad things in this world. In the past three sessions this has meant horrific white blood cell crash, extreme hives outbreak, swollen feet, sore/heavy bones, digestive insanity, and general very tiredness. Woo hoo!! You gotta love the weekends! At this point we have plans to simply take it easy tomorrow and then Sunday I'll be heading into the office to get caught up on a few things. That's the plan, subject to change with any outbreak, inability to get out of bed, fever, or well, sudden rage. But again, I must point out...this is the last time!!!! These next four days are key, but I am 12 days away from being officially done with chemo and off all restrictions. I can't even decide what I want to do first. I think it will likely involve a jacuzzi and a bottle of champagne. And we may have to throw in some of those very dangerous strawberries as well.

In the meantime, some updates... 35 countries and 43 states (plus D.C.) have now been subjected to this blog. Finland, South Korea, Serbia, and Bulgaria are all over it, but do you think South Dakota or Rhode Island can be bothered? No. No they can't. Alabama is also playing hard to get--it's like they're Delaware or something. Don't even get me started on Mississippi.

Also, the epiphany blog is still open and needs your help. There appears to be a clear leader on the votes for which epiphany I will likely have...but it's a three horse race as to which epiphany I actually should have. And I have to say, I'm surprised at the results so far. If you haven't voted, or you have and you've changed your mind, scroll down on the right side and place or change your vote. Remember there are two items to vote on so keep scrolling to get to the second one. I can't be left to my own devices on this epiphany thing. A three-way tie is not going to be helpful!

(oh, and that picture to the right? Google search for Epiphany brings up this photo--apparently there is an Orthodox Epiphany celebration on January 19th each year and it involves ice water. But this sort of seems like me being lead to an ephiphany. Totally comfortable.)