Real Housewives (Remedial version)

Glad you all enjoyed my adventures with the vacuum. As far as I know under the bed is still clean (and Shawn returns tomorrow, phew). I did get this nifty plastic lidded container to store some of my very many boots and shoes and purses under the bed (this time on purpose and in an organized fashion) and I was fairly excited about that too. Chris has yet to show me how to change the vent/bag/ dust collector receptacle on the vacuum, but I'm not particularly excited about that anyway. After all, I've already vacuumed this year so I think it gets put away with the Christmas decorations (yes, both of them.) But I do think I have a future as a housewife. I really do. So I'm moving on to the next step.

Fake eyelashes.

Look, I've been watching reality TV and alllll the housewives of (insert chagrined city here) have fake eyelashes, fake hair, fake breasts, fake lips and fake relationships. I'm not willing to have any more breast surgery, thank you very much; my relationship is very real, I need to be able to speak in my day job so I'm not willing to inject things into my lips (how would I snarl at people??) and we all know I did the fake hair thing for several post-chemo months there and it didn't really work for me.  So if there is any hope of continuing the stellar housewife path I am on, I'm left with needing fake eyelashes. Well, not exactly fake. More like my own eyelashes on steroids.

Remember this post when I mentioned the lingering chemo side effects and you had no sympathy whatsoever you horrible beyotches you? Remember those included that my eyelashes would grow out and then suddenly leap in unison from my eyelids, crashing and falling down my checks to certain death only to return again a few months later and then, like some sort of crazed lash suicide pact, jump out again? You do remember this, right?? It's important stuff, people. (It's no vacuuming extravaganza, I know, but how would you feel if you came to realize you could no longer rely on your lashes?).

My doctor also had no sympathy and basically laughed at my concern but did prescribe Lastisse for me. That product that Brooke Shields hawks highly recommends to magnify, extend, beautify and grow lashes that will actually stay attached to my eyelid? Well, it's been a couple of months and I've held onto that prescription feeling silly about wanting it and also hoping my lashes had been reformed and would no longer run away. So far so good, my lids are not naked. But if I wait too long....well, then I won't have any eyelashes to put this magic formula on.

Off I went to Tar-jay (I think this is suitably housewife-y, but I'm pretty sure this is not where the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills get their lashes). And here's the thing.... the prescription costs $96 freakin' dollars! $96!! That's a lot of fake eyelashes!  I didn't get the prescription filled. My insurance does not cover it. The pharmacist recommended that I ask the doctor to indicate that this was "medically needed" and then maybe insurance would cover it....I can't see myself doing that (especially as I currently have eyelashes) and I really, really can't see my oncologist buying that for even one second. I can see him rolling his eyes at me and suggesting I get my fat ass self out of his office and to a gym--because he thinks that will solve all of my problems. (I'm determined to try absolutely everything else first, just to prove his hypothesis on a systematic basis. Rule out all the other stuff, don't you think?)

So, help me out here.... should I fill the prescription because a) eyelashes are important and/or b) you all want to know if that shit works too. Or, should I save my $96 and maybe buy a nice bottle of tequila that will make me not care about eyelashes...or what's under my bed? Vote by leaving a comment below, or--boy, this has been awhile--there's an official silly little poll to the right. (Now if only they had a little "donate here" button...)

I meant 2 1/4 issues

While I was complaining yesterday I forgot one thing. (Don't you hate it when you forget to complain??) It's related to the hair thing, so maybe it's only 1/4 of another issue that's bugging me. My eyelashes. They grew back in but they are as wimpy as eyelashes can be while still being called eyelashes. They seemed to be doing okay, but then most of them stopped growing. 3 or 4 little super hairs on each lid kept growing. So now, with a little mascara, I have little hair horns sticking out from each eye and that's it. The other lashes as so short it's hard to catch them with the mascara wand. What's up with that?

I'm considering that Lashtese product that Brooke Shields hawks on television where she pretends to be at a birthday party with women she clearly doesn't know. But can I trust Brooke Shields? She's famous for her gigantic eyebrows so I'm thinking her lashes are also naturally pretty long. Plus, she once dated Michael Jackson. Then again, she did go to war with Tom Cruise (and won) so there's that. Mostly though, it's like $175 a tube and I hate the idea of anything in a prescription around my eyes.  I guess I'll be waiting this one out. With my toddler hair though, I'm just thinking I should have been granted those huge, long, sweeping eyelashes so many (boy) toddlers seem to have!

Just How Long Does it Take??

I seem to be on a roll with freaky pictures. So be warned. These next ones (after this first one) aren't pretty either. And unlike the last few, they actually are of me.

See, sometimes when I'm online looking for photos and information for the blog I find myself surfing around and learning things I didn't even realize I wanted to know...or I did, but I never took the time to find out until I sat down to post to this meandering and wordy blog. Last night I eventually began looking for information on just when hair starts to grow back post-chemo. Here's a shock...there's not much info out there. Just the standard "it's different for everyone" response (trust me when I tell you that everyone who goes through cancer treatment learns to hate that phrase; it's the doctor's equivalent of the lawyer's "it depends." Both are true statements and both are entirely unhelpful.) Then of course I ran across some postings and inquiries on websites from women whose hair never grew back or did but it was really sparse!! That's when it was time to get off the internet (and curl up in a bottle of wine....). From what I gather, the "norm" is for hair to start growing back 4 weeks to 3 months after chemo stops. My last chemo was April 30th. So as of today (May 30th) I'm one month out--or to be precise, I'm 4 weeks and 2 days. And here's what my head looks like from the back:
The hair you see is not growth. Those are the little troopers that never fell out. There are actually more than you can see in this photo, it's just that they're blonde so they're a lot harder to photograph. Another interesting little fact--I never found a photo of another bald chemo patient who didn't also have that little rash looking spot at the bottom center. I suspect that's from the wigs.

And yes, you guessed it, I'm going to document the hair growth and see just how long this really does take. Now, it won't be as fascinating as Chris's hair growth but let's be real, he's a genetic freak in that regard. Mine is more a contribution to science. Right now, I'm thinking it will be the Saturday night (or Sunday morning) post each week. Oh, and it's not a hair watch without the eyelash/eyebrow close-ups (gory though they are). Did I mention my eyebrows fell out shortly after the eyelashes? Not all the way, but again, just enough to make me look freaky. Here's what I mean:

Okay, that's with no make-up, so you can tell several things besides the fact that I have like 6 eyebrow hairs and no eyelashes (actually I have two,but you can't see them in this photo). You can also tell I seriously require foundation, I'm tired enough to have dark circles, and yes, see, my eyes are a really, really, really dark blue but they are in fact blue. Also, I have eyelash stubble now. It ain't much, but it does seem to indicate they are coming back in. Fascinating, no? Chris and I both think maybe I have head stubble, but it's hard to tell if that's new growth or just those little warrior hairs. And in keeping with that...apparently my nose hair also fell out. It never occurred to me to check that or that such might happen. Because, um...who cares? But yeah, last night I read where somebody else was complaining about that. So of course I had to check, and yep, it's true. You lose that too! (By the way, the same person who complained about losing nose hair also lost her fingernails!! That is a possible side effect...just not one that happened to me; I know, I know, you thought I had them all. Trust me, I didn't.)

Now that you've seen this, is it any wonder that when I get ready for work in the morning I feel like I'm putting on a costume? First I take a shower--where there isn't much to wash, nothing to shave, and I can only use "mild" soap (because of radiation)--then when I step out there is almost nothing to dry, then I have to paint myself a face, then draw in some eyes and eyebrows, if it's an extra special occasion I need to glue on some eyelashes, then I must find shoes that my swollen and painful feet will fit in, then an outfit that coordinates with said shoes (and if it's a radiation day, the top and bottom must be separate since the top comes off; so no dresses), then find hair or a scarf that matches all the rest. Oh, and then it all melts off during the hot flashes anyway. Cancer Dork is quickly becoming Cancer Clown.

Again, as your reward for reading this far, I have saved the happy part for last. Today I had my first mani/ pedi since all this crap started. Wow did it feel good to sit in that massage chair soaking my feet in the hot, bubbling water and then let them work away getting my hands and feet in summer shape. And despite the fact that my left foot is still having trouble and tends to swell oddly, my hands and feet look so pretty! Which is good, considering how the rest of me looks....