Monday, May 4, 2009
Have I mentioned that before? That I hate cancer? I don't think I have, actually. And maybe I'm a little slow with this, but I have to say, I was pissed off at cancer all day today. I've been pretty honest on this blog, so I'm not going to lie now. I was not happy today. Not at all. I think I was probably a big baby all day long (at least in my internal monologue; luckily I wasn't dealing with too many people today). Maybe because I can see the light at the end of the chemo tunnel and I'm just all kinds of anxious to get there, everything that's in my way is just really, really annoying. I'm tired of being tired, I'm tired of having to figure out what wig to wear and how long I can stand it, I'm tired of only being able to wear two pairs of shoes (swollen painful feet), I'm tired of not looking normal, I'm tired of medications, tired of soreness, tired of not being able to eat or drink what I want, tired of not being able to do things, tired of sweating like an animal all night, tired of insomnia, tired of being a "patient" with special needs and restrictions, and I really, really feel bad for Chris having to put up with 1/2 a girlfriend these past six months; he never complains, but he's got to be pretty darn sick of all this too. I'm sure he'd like a normal life back soon too. So I just keep apologizing to him, and probably, that's even more irritating, not to mention pathetic. (I'm also sure the pink clique would be extremely disappointed in me for venting all of this. Cancer dork again.)
And I think I need to give up Facebook. Otherwise, I'll probably really go over the deep-end reading about everyone else's vacations and meals and drinking binges and health and happiness!! Instead I'm posting passive aggressive status updates about my bone pain. Take that, happy people!! (Don't worry; I'm sure tomorrow I can return to being a well-balanced non-selfish person who is happy for her friends' happiness. It's just not happening at this moment. Sorry.)
Continuing my spiral this evening, when I got home instead of taking a nap (which would have been the smart and necessary thing to do) I picked up the book I've been reading and finished it. And what was I reading? I was reading "What Remains" by Carole Radziwill. You know, the widow of Anthony Radziwill who was Jackie O's nephew, JFK, Jr.s' cousin and best friend, polish prince and guy who died of cancer at age 39, three weeks after John Kennedy, Jr. and his wife Carolyn died in that plane crash. Yeah, that's what I was reading. And they die. They all die (okay, not the author; she's left to pick up the pieces after losing her husband and losing her best friend within the space of 3 weeks). It's actually a beautifully written book, but probably not one of my best choices under the circumstances.
So I put the book down and turned on the television. Hey, American Idol winner David Cook's brother died from cancer yesterday. And Eva Longoria was at a Kids with Cancer fundraiser! Enough.
Dancing with the Stars...take me away.