Have I mentioned that before? That I hate cancer? I don't think I have, actually. And maybe I'm a little slow with this, but I have to say, I was pissed off at cancer all day today. I've been pretty honest on this blog, so I'm not going to lie now. I was not happy today. Not at all. I think I was probably a big baby all day long (at least in my internal monologue; luckily I wasn't dealing with too many people today). Maybe because I can see the light at the end of the chemo tunnel and I'm just all kinds of anxious to get there, everything that's in my way is just really, really annoying. I'm tired of being tired, I'm tired of having to figure out what wig to wear and how long I can stand it, I'm tired of only being able to wear two pairs of shoes (swollen painful feet), I'm tired of not looking normal, I'm tired of medications, tired of soreness, tired of not being able to eat or drink what I want, tired of not being able to do things, tired of sweating like an animal all night, tired of insomnia, tired of being a "patient" with special needs and restrictions, and I really, really feel bad for Chris having to put up with 1/2 a girlfriend these past six months; he never complains, but he's got to be pretty darn sick of all this too. I'm sure he'd like a normal life back soon too. So I just keep apologizing to him, and probably, that's even more irritating, not to mention pathetic. (I'm also sure the pink clique would be extremely disappointed in me for venting all of this. Cancer dork again.)
And I think I need to give up Facebook. Otherwise, I'll probably really go over the deep-end reading about everyone else's vacations and meals and drinking binges and health and happiness!! Instead I'm posting passive aggressive status updates about my bone pain. Take that, happy people!! (Don't worry; I'm sure tomorrow I can return to being a well-balanced non-selfish person who is happy for her friends' happiness. It's just not happening at this moment. Sorry.)
Continuing my spiral this evening, when I got home instead of taking a nap (which would have been the smart and necessary thing to do) I picked up the book I've been reading and finished it. And what was I reading? I was reading "What Remains" by Carole Radziwill. You know, the widow of Anthony Radziwill who was Jackie O's nephew, JFK, Jr.s' cousin and best friend, polish prince and guy who died of cancer at age 39, three weeks after John Kennedy, Jr. and his wife Carolyn died in that plane crash. Yeah, that's what I was reading. And they die. They all die (okay, not the author; she's left to pick up the pieces after losing her husband and losing her best friend within the space of 3 weeks). It's actually a beautifully written book, but probably not one of my best choices under the circumstances.
So I put the book down and turned on the television. Hey, American Idol winner David Cook's brother died from cancer yesterday. And Eva Longoria was at a Kids with Cancer fundraiser! Enough.
Dancing with the Stars...take me away.
And the Lakers lost. It was not a good day for anyone. Let's hope that the karmic bounceback from this day occurs on Wednesday, when Barcelona gets a win at Chelsea, the Lakers bounce back and destroy Houston, and you are once again feeling shiny and happy about yourself. And I love you in whatever fraction you divide yourself into, for as long as you want to hold that denominator or as long as that denominator holds you. Just call me your balancing coefficient!
ReplyDeleteI don't blame you one little bit and you are entitled to feel "non accepting" of the hand that has been dealt to you. It will get better. Hang in there. You just have to keep being monitored and living life the best way you possibly can. Every check up, every doctor visit freaks you out ---hey I figure if they keep on looking for problems, are they apt to find them?? I donno--keep strong
ReplyDeleteTeresa-I have opened my home to a few breast cancer board meetings. I have a friend who sings jazz and is a survivor, 7 years now. I frequent a pizza house that donates a percentage of sales to the cause. They have pink and black napkins and all the workers wear the pink ribbon pin on their collars. I hear what you are saying and I have seen it. We think of you, support you and most of all, love you. Mike L
ReplyDeleteI hate cancer, too. I hate the ever-loving shit out of it and how it goes after people. Stupid cancer. Hate it. And, those insensitive people who post their vacations pics. Hate them too. Love you, though. Big hug!!! Maybe two!!! Okay, that had to have made you laugh.
ReplyDeleteThanks guys. I'm mildly improved this morning (okay, not, but at least I have the decency to lie at this point). I appreciate your support. And Chris--you're my co-efficient and my efficient these days. Thanks.
ReplyDeleteStacey--I mean, vacationing shit--keep posting pics. It will remind me that there is "life after cancer" and in just about a year, I too will be in Provence posting pics of beautiful scenery and food. Gorgeous, fabulous food. Food that I can actually eat. Paired with wine. All the wine I can drink. And more.
i'll admit i didn't pick chris for the break-out star [i'm partial to dogs], but i have to say, after reading his comment above i HAVE to give him that status. i was so moved by the profession of love and so thoroughly confused by the math that i'm dizzy. now that's one fine man!
ReplyDeleteThelma-
ReplyDeleteTime for the walk down memory lane to El Torito for the ever famous, timelessly insightful comment, "If you feel like life is kicking you in the teeth, it's because it is....." And while I can't help with swollen feet, at least I went to Minnesota for vacation. That's gotta make you feel alittle better.
XXOO
Louise
Louise--Yeah, you went to Minnesota on "vacation" and you came back with the flu. You are a true friend.
ReplyDeleteAnd I'd rather just go back to El Torito for he timeless Cadillac margarita, senorita!
T.
Teresa,
ReplyDeleteFinally, you have a brief moment of feeling like I'm sure I would have felt every single day since I was diagnosed. You call yourself a cancer dork, I would be a cancer wuss!!!I would tell you better days are ahead but that makes me want to punch myself for saying it! SO I wont, hang in there and I look forward to seeing you in a few weeks.
Fabulous Rant...rant all you want...cancer needs to be put in its place.
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