Sunday, February 1, 2009

New Fears and Old Friends

Yesterday was a good day, but last night was not a good night. During the day I did the party invite, read, rested, had lunch with STACEY ALDSTADT (she Googles herself apparently, and wants more hits) and then Dulce (DULCE PENA in case she Googles too!) stopped by for a visit. A nice day. But then I didn't sleep well (and there was no pasta in heavy cream sauce to blame). And when I did sleep I had a dream I had no hands, but "they" gave me artificial hands on a stick that I could hold onto and that would give me hands. Yeah, even in my dream I was saying "this really makes no sense--if I can hold on to the sticks....." But really, you don't fall back asleep after a dream like that. You stay up analyzing it until your head falls off. So what else was there to do? Right, I lay there thinking about how expensive this whole cancer thing was going to be and how I was not going to be able to work enough to earn enough to...well, live... and spiral, spiral, spiral, ever downward. But yeah, a couple of cups of Starbucks French Roast and I was feeling better. (So right, I got up early).

I decided to try to just "act normal" (this is not, actually, something I've ever been good at). I even did all that normal shower, hair, make-up stuff in practice for returning to work tomorrow. Of course, it exhausted me but that was nothing a little nap couldn't fix. I'll be honest, the incision from the lymph node removal is not a comfortable one (just think about stitches in your underarm and you'll get my point). I'm not sure if I'm supposed to try to use my arm, or try to keep it still--it's my right side and I'm right-handed, so option B is hard. And I didn't want to bug my doctor on the weekend (even though I bet he works weekends). Anyway, I pushed through.

And then my most long-term, dearest friend Corby (CORBY RHODES; even though I'm pretty sure she doesn't Google) and her mom DONNA MONTGOMERY (yeah, no way she's googling herself, but what the heck) came for a visit and made me laugh and relax. Corby and I have been friends since I was 13 years old (so, like, 20 years...), and Donna was my "other mother" in high school, so it was great to see them both. Plus, Corby's a newlywed so the wedding video and honeymoon pictures were a terrific distraction. Oh, and there was some football game on somewhere. (Self-absorbed? What?)

I came to the conclusion that I'm not much good sitting around "healing"--I'm sure I'll have plenty of practice and there is certainly room for improvement. But for now, I'm thinking I can heal sitting in a chair in front of my phone and computer at work as easily as this recliner at home. And here's my proof I'm getting stir crazy:

Something made us think this was a "celebrity pose" (they have celebrities in psych wards, no?), but it looks more like I'm demonstrating that I'm swollen from where the surgery was, because, well, I am...

Big day ahead tomorrow. Back to work I go. Hi ho, hi ho (or is it High, low, high low?)


  1. Ok, Teresa. I'm on. This is the only picture I could find of myself...its from a few years ago. Love your blog. It rocks. Looks like you are doing well. Keep it up. So many people cheering for you. Looking forward to your next update. Ted

  2. Hi Teresa - Laureen recently shared the link to your blog with me. I enjoyed reading it this afternoon and encourage you to keep it(the blog)up. I'm sure you've already discovered how carthartic and helpful it is to deal with your thoughts, fears and experiences by writing them down; Controlling them instead of them controlling you. And a little humor always helps, doesn't it?

    20 years ago this October(my d-day, I was 41) I was diagnosed with a rare and agressive form of breast cancer. Given a 1 in 4 chance of survival. After reading your blog, it sounds like we share the same strengths and determation to beat it!

    Take care of yourself, take it a day at a time and wine a little, you'll feel better ;-)

    Kathy D.

  3. While I may google myself, the idea was actually floated by CHRIS KERN, who wanted more hits. And, at least I read the rules.

  4. Kathy--How great to hear from you! Thank you for your thoughts. I was at BB&K when you were diagnosed. I remember it (wow, 20 years!!). Thanks for the terrific inspiration and I'm so glad to hear you are doing well.

    Stacey--rules? What rules??

    And Ted--well, yes, I knew that was you instantly. The whole Springfield Missouri connection with Brad Pitt.


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