No posting Sunday and I've barely got the energy tonight. But that might be the wine. There was at least wine tonight.
The cement in my veins has subsided a bit. My upper arms and rib cage are still sore, and oddly so is my throat. And of course, my nemesis "dirt/metallic taste" has returned and is insisting on having things his way. I'm still fairly tired, also. I lasted at work only until 4pm. It probably would have been wise to take a nap around 2 and keep going after that, but it just didn't work out that way. So by 4 pm I was all but asleep at my desk. Oh, and it was windy today and I had to think about the hair (uh, yeah, that would be the wig) more than usual. It was all too easy to picture it just blowing off and down the parking lot as I tried to make it from my car to my office. Maybe I should carry back-up wigs in my trunk? Would this be a normal thing to do? Okay, probably not. But a back-up scarf is probably not a bad idea. Especially since the late afternoons find me itching to take the hair off. I don't think I'm going to last long with these wigs. I'm liking the scarf look more and more.
I got home a little after 4 and went straight to bed. I napped, soundly, until 5:30. Then Brein and Roryann Clements (Omakase, you remember, yes?) came over to do some wine tasting with Chris (it's all in the name of Chris's new wine website/ blog...which you'll hear about soon enough). I participated a bit--even "healthy" I can normally taste only the whites, as I'm allergic to American reds. Some of the wine still tasted good to me, and some of the cheese and breads did as well.( Which was a good thing because that turned out to be dinner!) Normally I have a decent nose for wine and I'm not too awful at identifying the particular characteristics (even if I do occasionally say "smells like dirt" and Chris has to gussy that up to "Earthy on the nose"), but I was no help this time. "Metallic taste" really had no credibility. And "earthy in the mouth" is not really what one looks for. So I was really "cancer girl" just pretending to participate. I was also a lot less drunk. Damnit.
All of this is to say, I have to admit that over this past weekend and today it has occurred to me that...I'm tired of cancer. Sure, it was fun while it lasted, but um, can we move along now? It's been 3 months. That seems like enough time. (It was in fact three months ago exactly that I received the "highly suspicious of malignancy" phone call.) There's just so much to think about and really everything changes. Not much gets to stay the same. Which is annoying. It's hard not to be a "cancer person." This past weekend I kept apologizing to Chris for his having to go through this too. Not that I chose it, or it's my fault, but I just felt bad for him. He assures me that cancer or no, he would have been home watching the March Madness all weekend anyway. I know (from years past) that this is true, so I also know that I was just in a weird/bad/sad/tired place. And that's what cancer does--it finds a million little ways to push you to those places. So now it's time to push back. I'm through with the meds, the Neulasta shot cement effect is wearing off, and I've got more than two weeks before I have to go back for more chemo. Time for margaritas with my friends.
Oh, and I got a jury duty summons today. Yep. Of course I did. For April 20th. Which is....day 12 after the next chemo round. I sure hope they let me postpone that. Did I mention I have cancer?