Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Growin' It Out for Cancer: Month 5

For the record, I have no idea what that is either, but it's there, it flips up like the feathers on the hats Margaret DuMont used to wear in Marx Brothers movies, and I'm stuck with it, so I do what I can.

Greetings, fellow cancer blog enthusiasts! Chris here, subbing in for Teresa tonight. And since it's been about a month since my last Growin' It Out for Cancer posting, we're dropping Month 5 on you tonight. And what a month it's been in hair growth. As you'll see below, we're sneaking up on 4 inches (that little piece you see in my fingers is clearing 3-3/4 inches the same way Sergei Bubka used to clear 14 feet) and we're definitely racing headlong into hair helmet territory.

In fact, we may have already sprinted through helmet territory and are moving right into a full-on lion's mane. Suffice to say, if you look back at the photos of my hair from Month 4 to Month 5 (and even Month 3 to Month 5), you'll see that there was a whole lot of growing going on this past month, as my hair suddenly began to take on the same shape and form of Miss Havisham's garden. The hair around my ears (around, people, around!) can now be stretched all the way down over my ears if I so choose (I don't), and I'm starting to get worried that soon, there won't be enough room behind my ears to keep the massive amounts of hair I have on the wings proerly tucked and stylish (teach me your secret, Barack. Please!). I fear that soon, the only look I'll be capable of is Donny Osmond circa-1972, and even he didn't have to deal with that, that, that THING undulating and breaching and pluming across my forehead. Seriously, the natural waves forming in the front and back of my hair would make Jacques Cousteau gasp in awe and would send thousands of Indonesian coastal dwellers screaming for higher ground. I mean, check out whatever that is going on in the back, those little Fancy Dan girls starting to U-turn back toward my neck. That's not natural. Hair's not supposed to move that way, right? I'm not getting a mullet, right? RIGHT?

Can you tell I'm desperately wanting for a haircut, or at the very least a trim?

Sadly, I may not get that option. Scores of you voted in Teresa's "When Should Chris Get His Hair Cut Next?" poll, and I'm sorry to announce that the winning selection -- and by a country mile, I might add -- was "Just Before Chris and Teresa Leave for Hawaii (December 15)." Six more months of this. SIX! And 26 of you voted. Clearly I do not have as many friends as I initially thought, and I also learned that many of you out there have a rather vicious sadistic streak, especially when it comes to follically and tonsorially torturing another human being. It's almost freaking July, for crying out loud! And we haven't even reached the hottest part of the summer yet! Do you have any idea what this is actually going to do to me, heat-wise? Do you?

On a side note, I'd like to personally thank Roryann Clements for orchestating the "Vote for December 15th" movement and motivating the other 25 of you out there (and you know who you are and thanks to technology, I do too...) into voting for prolonging my hair's stay and allowing this Incredible Bulk to multiply even further. As you may know, Rory promised "Boobie pops" to all of you out there who read the blog if her selection of December 15th won the poll (apparently this is payback for my winning the earlier "Breakout Character of the Blog" poll), and I expect and encourage each and every one of you to seek out and collect on this promise. In fact, you should tell all your friends and have them inform Rory that they too are readers of the blog and they would like their free Boobie pops as well. Hell, just go ahead and make up names or taken them off of gravestones like Boss Tweed and Richard Dailey used to do, and tell Rory that they are readers too and are demanding their Boobie pops. My goal for all of this is that Rory is forced to spend so much of her own time, energy and money fulfilling her Boobie pop obligation for all of you (and your friends and relatives and fictional friends and relatives too) that she is ultimately (And hopefully very quickly) forced into bankruptcy (both financial and moral) and has to fake her own death to flee and go into hiding lest others continue to find her and demand the Boobie pop retribution they so rightfully deserve. Be careful what you promise the people, Rory, because you may have to back it up. Oh, and it's not nice to mess with The Hair.

Feeling sympathy for me yet? Good. Then you can drink off your guilt and make it up to me by coming out to the first-ever "Getting Friendly with Forgotten Grapes" wine tasting event. It's going to be held Thursday, July 9th at 6:30 p.m. at Restaurant Omakase in downtown Riverside. We'll be tasting five Forgotten Grapes and letting you know everything about them, and Omakase's own Chef Brein (whom you may know from his third-place finish in the "Breakout Star of the Blog" poll earlier) will be serving up five small bites that pair perfectly with each specific wine. It promises to be a lot of fun, you'll learn a ton, get to try some wines you may not be familiar with, snack on some outrageously awesome food, and if you've polite and ask nicely, I may even let you touch the hair (though I promise you it will be gelled to within an inch of its life that night, as I WILL NOT let the hair overshadow me or my presentation. I get enough of that with Teresa and Seamus in my normal day-to-day life.) Cost for the event is $35 per person (which is a total bargain when you consider the awesome wines and Omakase food you'll be getting), and you can make your advanced reservations by calling Omakase at (951) 788-8820 . Please note, though, that they really only have room for 40-50 people, and we've already had quite a lot of sign-ups already, so make your reservation as soon as you can so you won't be left out. You really do not want to miss this event, especially now that The Hair is involved.

And don't forget to visit every Friday morning, when our newest update is posted. This week, we're answering your wine-related questions in our First-ever Bota Bag Mailbag. And we're not at all mocking you or making fun of you for asking those questions. Nuh-uh. Not at all...

Okay, I need to cut this short (ha, ha...waaaaaaaaah!). I have to finish filling our my application to UNESCO asking that my hair be declared a natural wonder of the world, or at the very least a World Heritage Site. Hey, if you people are going to keep forcing me to grow this thing out, the very least I can do is make some money off of it. Now just how much do you think a Chris' Hair/Growin' It Out for Cancer souvenir pennant or paperweight would go for on the open market?

Until (gulp) July, this is Chris signing off and praying every night that some sudden movement doesn't trigger an avalance of my hair and suffocate me in my sleep.


  1. Chris, Chris, Chris. I voted for an early hair cut, inspite of the "daughter pressure". (Please remember who our favorite daughter is--Erin. Now you know why.) I do think that RoryAnn should be required to supply boobie pops for the bar-b-que. Of course, only those people who voted with RoryAnn would get one and I am sure everyone would be honest. Oh, and can you have Teresa open the voting for one more day, I'd like to get a boobie pop myself!

  2. Chris,

    One word of encouragement from someone Teresa's age, Donny circa 1972 was HOT! I saw him im concert and had his stickers all over my dresser. Teresa thought he was hot too, I'm sure. We all did!

  3. Okay, I thought Donnie was hot, too. But I'm not leaving my name!

  4. If it helps Chris I won't cut my hair until after I visit. By that time it will be 3 months. Oui? Non? ;-)

  5. Wow, what is that thing? ;>) I think you'd do well to bleach it and start impersonating Jay Leno. Hey, you'd get a lot of perks and the best seats in the house. Yes, Mr. Leno, right away Mr. Leno....

  6. Wow. That is an impressive amount of hair there, Chris. And I do feel for you what with the IE heat... I think that soon enough you'll be trying out buns, ponytails, clips and barrettes. Probably behind closed doors, but still....


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